valerian-v-poster-full-highres

0.5/10 After giving “Power Rangers” a 1 out of 10 and declaring it the worst movie of 2017, I thought I had hit cinematic rock bottom early on in the year and gotten the pain out of the way. I have never been so wrong. Director Luc Besson, who has really only made a couple good American films gives us the most expensive French movie of all time ($180 million budget) as well as the most expensive movie to come out of a non U.S. studio. You would think with that kind of money behind it, the movie would be well off. Instead, this is now the worst movie of 2017. As soulless as the computer the movie was made on, Valerian has 99 problems…and the main bitch is one of them (as is her male counterpart). The opening scene that shows the progression of time (and was shown in theaters before Spider-Man: Homecoming) is the best scene in the movie and the ONLY good scene in the movie. From there it goes downhill hard and fast. The storyline is all over the place and not engaging at all and the actors give garbage performances because the script that they are reciting dialogue from is so cringe worthy. The attempts at back and forth playful insults and the attempts at humor both fall flatter than a North Korean missile launch. There is supposed to be a forced love story between our two main characters but they have ZERO chemistry and Dane DeHaan plays such an annoying prick that I have a hard time calling him the protagonist. The costumes in this movie look like they came from a Halloween store in a poor neighborhood. The movie is also bloated and goes on way too long. They could have easily cut 20 minutes out of the movie and although the movie still would have sucked, at least the audience wouldn’t have to suffer for as long. Rihanna plays a shape shifting stripper named Bubbles just for the sole purpose of having her do a little strip tease in the movie. Even worse, Ethan “WTF Am I Doing Here” Hawke plays Jolly the Pimp (you can’t make this stuff up) in what is easily his worst, most embarrassing cinematic moment of his life. Even though he isn’t in the movie long, it is long enough to hurt his credibility as an actor and almost erase the brilliant performance he gave in “Boyhood.” Speaking of actors, this movie has the great Rutger Hauer but he literally has about one minute of screen time, is totally wasted and is therefore more of a distraction than an actual asset to the movie. The usually talented Alexandre Desplat provides a totally forgettable score with maybe only one track that stands out. Everyone who has seen this has agreed that this movie is garbage but they have mostly all said that the saving grace was the movie’s visual effects. I couldn’t disagree more. The film relies so heavily on CGI and uses almost no practical effects. For reference, there are about 4x more visual effects shots in this than the last Star Wars movie. The problem with overabundance and over reliance on CGI is that this movie will age terribly (even the CGI in the movie now in 2017 didn’t impress me at all). If you go back and watch a movie like “The Matrix Reloaded” you will see the scene where dozens of CGI Agent Smiths are fighting Neo. At the time (2003) it looked amazing but since then the CGI has aged so poorly. Compare that to 1993’s “Jurassic Park” which had mostly animatronics and practical effects and it still looks great to this day. Practical effects always age better, although CGI has come a long way and can still be done well (the best CGI is when you don’t know it is there at all like in films like “The Wolf of Wall Street” or “Zodiac”). So I don’t know why people praised the visuals in this film when they look obviously CGI and will only get worse in time. There are so many problems with this piece of trash and everyone involved in the making of this film should be embarrassed and seriously rethink their career choices.

#ForTheLoveOfPearl / #PearlHarbor2 / #IdBlowBubbles / #BlueManGroup / #TheyDidntPlanet / #EthanSchlock

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