0/10 While the first “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie was definitely bad (I gave it a 3.5/10), it holds a special place in my heart. Once movie theaters shut down in 2020, I waited 81 days until two theaters opened in Arizona and “Sonic the Hedgehog” was the first movie I was able to see after almost three months of not being able to go. While I much rather would have wanted to see a higher quality movie, at least it went by fast, entertained me and put me back into that dark, popcorn scented room that acts as my second home. Flash forward two years and despite low expectations, nothing could have prepared me for the absolute abomination that this follow-up would be. I’d rather theaters be closed like it was during the China Virus than subject people to this. Previous to this, the only 0/10 score I had ever given to a movie in the years I have been doing this was for 2019’s “Black Christmas” so this is certainly a rare occurrence when a movie is so bad that I literally can’t find one aspect of it to praise. This is a career low for everyone involved and this is in the top three worst movies I’ve seen in the last decade. I’d rather watch the Snyder Cut of my parents’ sex tape than have to sit through this again. Director Jeff Fowler should be executed for crimes against humanity, along with the movie’s three talentless screenwriters. This will be an extended review but only because it will take me a while to list everything wrong with this piece of trash so let’s jump right in. Like the first movie, this is packed with product placement including but not limited to Oreos, The Four Seasons and returning from the first movie, The Olive Garden. Practically every company gets shilled for except for Sonic, which would have made sense. The movie also doubles down on the potty humor from the first movie except there is about twice as much this time around since kids today sure do love those fart jokes. One of the biggest things that rubbed me the wrong way was how oddly sexualized men were in this movie aimed at kids. There is not one but multiple scenes with buff, muscular shirtless men, which would be fine in a PG-13 romantic comedy or a “Magic Mike” film for adults but to have men sexualized in a children’s movie felt really gross and inappropriate. Add to that a pun involving the word “shit” and it felt like a bunch of adult subject matter forced into a children’s movie which is creepy and disturbing. I’m surprised this wasn’t a Disney movie. The plot and script are horrendous as the movie lacks consistency, has every joke/reference fall flat and everything from the aforementioned references to the music are all extremely dated. The score is completely forgettable and the soundtrack had songs that were either overused in other movies or outdated. The first movie had a bar fight and this lazy sequel just repeats the same thing except changes the location to Serbia. Instead of a bar fight that is actually visually satisfying to watch, we get a dance fight that was incredibly cringe and that uses a hit song…from 2014. Speaking of outdated, the dance move known as “flossing” from 2016 that made an appearance in the first movie is brought back but is now even more dated and less relevant/amusing. Idris Elba joins the voice cast as Knuckles but seeing as Elba (who is a great actor) has done other voice work in films like “Zootopia”, “The Jungle Book”, “Finding Dory”, etc. the problem is that he doesn’t really change his voice at all between animated roles so he sounds the exact same as he has in other movies, which also feels lazy. Speaking of the cast, if you thought Jim Carrey was over the top in the first movie, he cranks that dial up even further this time around, making his performance even more painful to watch than it was the last time. Carrey has spoken about how he might retire and seeing as how he hasn’t made a decent movie in over 15 years and has been notoriously difficult to work with, I hope he retires immediately and spares us from future horrific performances. His character, Dr. Robotnik, also uses extremely big words that children won’t understand at all. I get using some larger words in his vocabulary to prove he is smart but it felt like half of his dialogue would go over children’s heads and confuse them, which was an odd choice. Robotnik is also stranded on a mushroom planet and has to build his own devices to make his life easier and try to escape. Yet we see him with jumper cables, which isn’t something you can just build out of nothing, so that made zero sense. There was no consistency with the use of speed and time regarding Sonic, Knuckles and other characters. When Sonic first meets Knuckles, Knuckles (who is also super-fast) gets hit by a car which he would easily be able to avoid. Then Sonic and Tails drive away in said car yet Sonic running and Tails flying would have been way faster than taking the car with limited speed. Knuckles also takes an extremely long time to catch up to the car, despite being incredibly faster than it. During the dance fight/bar scene, Sonic and Tails could have grabbed what they needed and ran away long before the humans would have even been able to react, but the movie needed a horrible scene to happen so the abilities of Sonic and Tails were thrown out the window. Speaking of Tails, Tails is a male character and is explicitly said to be a male in the movie but is voiced by a woman and sounds like a girl, which was confusing and odd. The plot revolves around trying to obtain a green emerald that gives powers to whoever controls it. When one character first touches it, he instantly and automatically gains its powers yet when every other character who touches it later in the movie makes contact, they don’t have the same instant reaction and they react differently to it, in yet another example of inconsistent rules for the movie. The climax takes the giant sky beam from nearly every Marvel movie and has a giant robot that stole its look/design from both X-Men’s Juggernaut and “Pacific Rim”. In a movie with talking blue hedgehogs and teleporting with magical rings, maybe the most unrealistic element was a Hawaiin subplot involving our main human protagonists. Tika Sumpter plays Maddie Wachowski, the wife of Tom Wachowski (the always loveable James Marsden). Maddie’s sister is Rachel, played by Natasha Rothwell. I commented in my review of the first movie how Rachel was a horrible character since she had a ton of hatred for Tom, which was never explained and just seemed super hateful to randomly stick in a kid’s movie. Well here she is getting married to Randall (Shemar Moore) who is a million times out of her league both physically and personality wise. The most unbelievable thing in the movie was their relationship and then something happened that explained why he was with her so I forgave that plot point. However, then he admits his love for her and I just couldn’t take it. Rothwell is the antithesis is funny and her character was the most painful part of both Sonic movies. The fact that the movie spends so much time on this ridiculous subplot, which didn’t involve Sonic and stretched the running time even further angered me. The first movie was an hour and 40 minutes but this cinematic abortion stretches to two hours, which felt like an eternity. I’d rather sleep in Amber Heard’s bed after a night of all you can eat Taco Bell than have to suffer through this movie ever again. Every year I put out my Top 10 Most Anticipated Films of the Year List but with a sequel to this in development for 2024, I might have to put out a Top 10 Least Anticipated Films of the Year List with “Sonic the Hedgehog 3” at the top of my 2024 list. Some atheists use things like world hunger or the Holocaust as their evidence that God doesn’t exist. While I’m no atheist, I think if I was, I’d rather use “Sonic the Hedgehog 2” as my biggest evidence for God not existing.

#EmeraldIsleNeverWatchThisAgain / #RobotnikAtNite / #Robot&FranklyHorrendous / #PacificJim / #TheEmeraldShitty / #CompleteKnuckleHead

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