1.5/10 One of the few times Rotten Opinions got something right with its 29% score, king of soulless CGI adaptations, Robert Zemeckis (“The Polar Express”, “Beowulf”, “A Christmas Carol”) returns with one of Disney’s worst remakes to date. You know things are bad when the original 1940 animated film was light years ahead of this updated version for modern audiences (ugh). Where to begin? Remakes serve no purpose if they are just carbon copies of the original (2019’s “The Lion King”). Something must be added to set it apart from earlier adaptations and when it comes to the character of Pinocchio, there have been dozens of various adaptations; just ask Roberto Benigni, who has made two of them. One huge problem for this 2022 straight to Disney+ adaptation (it would have bombed in theaters) is that besides some updated CGI (more on that later), almost nothing new is added and the few things that are fall completely flat. As for what is new, we get a random subplot with a crippled ballerina that has no bearing on the story and just wastes time. We get a few new songs but all of them are completely forgettable with weak music and lyrics. Finally, the ending is worse than previous iterations in how it deals with if Pinocchio turns into a real boy in the end or not. I won’t give it away, but it is a downgrade from previous versions. So everything is either the same or the new additions are much worse. Even Blue Fairy (a completely miscast Cynthia Erivo) is only in the movie for a single scene. You could have cut her out completely and nothing would have changed or she should have been in multiple scenes and been developed as a character while assisting Pinocchio on his journey. Some of the dialogue is made modern, despite taking place in 1895 so we get cringe worthy moments like when a character says that Pinocchio could be an “influencer” and while we get a clever play on words with a Chris Pine reference, it makes zero sense considering the setting. As for the CGI that I mentioned earlier, it looks horrible. All of the CGI animals look incredibly fake and this movie has already started aging poorly not even six months after its initial release. There are inconsistencies with which animals can talk and which ones can’t and Geppetto is a horrible father who has lost a son, yet lets Pinocchio, who is essentially a newborn, go off by himself out into town with no supervision. Since this adaptation adds absolutely nothing new plot wise, you already know exactly what is going to happen from start to finish. One thing that has always rubbed me the wrong way, even with the original 1940 film is some of the underlying pedophile related messaging. We get adult men kidnapping little boys to take to Pleasure Island and make them their slaves after enticing them with candy and fun. While that same plot point is repeated here, it is appropriate (or inappropriate) that alleged pedophile Tom Hanks stars in this movie. Speaking of actors, both Hanks and Luke Evans give career worst performances as Hanks has an inconsistent Italian accent and both performers are incredibly over the top. It is really disappointing considering that Zemeckis has made plenty of live action classics (“Back to the Future” trilogy, “Forrest Gump”, “Cast Away”) and even his previous fully live action film, “Allied” was underrated. Yet when he mixes with animation and I assume just takes these projects for the paycheck, the results are often disastrous. We even get some blatant, self masturbatory Disney product placement early on in the movie. The only positive aspects I can think of were a few decent tracks in the score from composer Alan Silvestri and the pacing going by fairly quickly so you won’t have to suffer for too long. Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Jiminy Cricket also does a fine job. The couple minor accomplishments are nowhere near enough to warrant putting this lazy garbage on for your kids, if you still haven’t done the decent thing and cancelled Disney+ yet.
#TomHanksAsGeppedo / #DonkeyShow / #MiscastAway / #PuppetPleasureIsland / #ForrestChump / #ABeautifulDayInTheNeighborWood
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