Resident Evil Season 1

1/10 Well another October draws to a close as I picked some Halloween/scary themed streaming movies and shows to review to get me in the festive, holiday spirit. When the cheesy but fun “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” season 2 ends up being the highlight of the month, you know you are really suffering for your art. I wanted to off myself while watching the God awful Netflix “Fear Street” trilogy and I cap(com)ped things off with the latest and worst “Resident Evil” related content yet. The Milla Jovovich movies all sucked and got gradually worse, “Infinite Darkness” was sadly a highlight for the franchise at a whopping 4/10, “Welcome to Raccoon City” took the franchise to an all time low (1.5/10) but leave it to the worst streaming service to lower the bar even further with this absolute abomination with almost nothing worth admiring. Netflix occasionally puts out something great once or twice a year to make you forget that 95% of original Netflix content is pure dumpster fire material. Netflix may have gotten a head start in the streaming wars but over the past few years have declined faster than America under Joe Biden. I’d rather be circumcised with a PlayStation copy of “Resident Evil 2” than watch another second of this filth. Thank Christ that the only victory here is that the show was cancelled (despite setting up for a second, probably shittier season) and eight miserable episodes is as far as this shit show will ever get. I could write a 12 page review on why no one should ever watch this disgrace but I will just go over the lowlights. The casting is horrendous, filled with talentless hacks who shouldn’t be cast in a CW show or Lifetime Original Movie and pushes woke, far left, feminist nonsense that no one who ever played a “Resident Evil” video game in their life will find appealing. The ONLY (and I do mean only) decent actor is Lance Reddick but he is miscast as they blackwashed his character (the only white man in the entire series is a fat, bad guy). Why he agreed to be here is beyond me but I sure hope they paid him handsomely for his dignity and a bigger stain on his filmography than on my bed sheets as a teenager. One of the most unrealistic things that takes place in a show about a zombie apocalypse is that apparently when society breaks down in the future, strong, independent women completely take over all positions of authority/power, run the world’s biggest corporations and dominate in the STEM field…you know, the exact opposite of how reality really is. I get that women can hold these roles in a normally functioning society but when you so forcibly shove “girl boss” moments down our throat and paint all men as either evil, weak, liars, selfish, cowards, etc. we know what message you are trying to send. The show jumps back and forth between the past with teenage sisters (“twins” we are told despite being different races…not sure how that works) Jade and Billie and the future with the same characters. One of the biggest problems is just how incredibly unlikeable and grating these characters are. I watch TV shows all year long and I have to say that teenage Jade (Tamara Smart) is the worst, most annoying character I’ve seen in a show all year long and that is no exaggeration. Billie is annoying too but no one holds a candle to how horrendously painful it is to spend time with Jade. Both versions of both girls are horrible but what makes the teenage versions worse is that A) we have to spend so much time focusing on teenage angst and B) their motivations change episode to episode as they constantly endanger the lives of others. Upon finding out she is infected and could likely change into a zombie at any moment and start murdering everyone around her, Billie decides it is super important to go to a party, despite the fact that she won’t even enjoy it due to the massive side effects she is feeling. The entire plot is essentially kicked off due to the need to shove animal rights activism into the show, despite it not being practical or making any sense. The Umbrella Corporation is the biggest, most high tech company still existing yet somehow doesn’t have proper security cameras, any security guards at night, protocols for when something goes wrong and can be hacked into by high schoolers on smart phones/laptops. Characters have the opportunity to kill other characters but instead walk away just so the next episode or season can happen, despite their decision to leave them alive being out of character. This has one of the worst soundtracks I’ve ever heard in a TV show in my entire life. The writing is atrocious and none of the teenage characters or Evelyn Marcus (Paola Núñez) have dialogue that sounds realistic. There are a bunch of F words shoved in just to make the show feel edgy, despite the word being overused and feeling out of place. Speaking of Evelyn, one scene near the end of the show has her perform a song and dance number and God I wish I was joking about that. If I could I would take every “writer” who worked on this show and inject them with the T-Virus, HIV/AIDS, Covid, Monkeypox, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, etc. so they can feel a fraction of how it felt so suffer through over seven hours of pain and suffering. While “Welcome to Raccoon City” was absolutely horrendous, at least the horror ended in under two hours. The over seven hours of cringe was more than enough to make this the worst thing to come out of the “Resident Evil” franchise, the second worst video game to movie/TV property of the year (losing only to “Sonic the Hedgehog 2”) and the worst TV show/season/limited series of all of 2022. The real virus isn’t the T-Virus…it is the content Netflix continues to shit out on a weekly basis.

#AHackOfTheClones / #Reddickulous / #AloneAndAJade / #FreeBillie / #JohnSick / #TamaraNotSoSmart