1.5/10 Rated PG for “Pretty Gay”, the latest, wokest version of the Cinderella classic might very well be the worst. There are at least 70+ adaptations of this story over the years and while I have only seen a fraction, never has one been so miserable to sit through. Before I explain why this movie should be avoided like monkeypox, I will give the movie credit where credit is due. There are a couple of original songs in the movie that were decently catchy and the score is appropriate for the time period/setting. While I didn’t even know who Camila Cabello was prior to watching this (cue Gen Z clutching their pearls), she has decent screen presence and is easy enough on the eyes for this role. That’s about where the positives end. It is a shame too because writer/director Kay Cannon used to do some great work. She worked on “30 Rock” and wrote “Pitch Perfect” and its sequel. After that, things went downhill with the horrendous “Pitch Perfect 3” and now this disaster. A big problem with the movie is how all over the map it is. It takes place a long time ago like most adaptations of Cinderella do but then throws a bunch of modern stuff into it. Why not just have the movie take place in the present day? It is best for musicals to either have completely original songs throughout or use older, more popular songs that the audience will recognize. Instead, this movie tries to do both which was foolish. Since some of the original songs worked, it would have been smart to just make this an entirely original musical but instead it awkwardly shoves in renditions of Madonna and Queen songs that don’t come anywhere near the originals. Besides Cabello, the rest of the casting doesn’t work. Nicholas Galitzine plays the Prince but despite his pretty face isn’t memorable or charismatic enough for the part. The wickedly talented Adele Dazeem…er, uh…Idina Menzel is way too good for this material and her character is all over the place. If “Mamma Mia!” and its unnecessary sequel weren’t evidence enough that Pierce Brosnan can’t sing, this movie will be a painful reminder of that. Between the atrocious “The King’s Daughter” and this which is basically “The King’s Son”, we get a double dosage of garbage from a once respectable actor. I’m not sure if he is hard up for money or if people in high places have black mail on him but why Brosnan would sign on for roles like these is beyond me. Blink twice if your wife is being held hostage, Pierce. Also, it wouldn’t be 2021 if the PrOgReSsIvE aNd EmPoWeRiNg decision to cast a man (Billy Porter) as the fairy godmother wasn’t included. Not sure who needs to hear this but men can’t be mothers, grandmothers, godmothers or any type of mother. His inclusion here is embarrassing and cringe. It wouldn’t be a horrible musical without the ever annoying James Corden who can’t seem to stay away from horrible musicals like “Trolls”, “The Prom”, “Cats” and more. I can’t tell if America or England doesn’t want him in their country more. In other diversity quota casting, we get Jenet Le Lacheur (a man who thinks he is a woman) as Count Wilbur. He looks like Alan Cumming had sex with one of the three mice in this movie and Lacheur was the result nine months later. Besides the modern songs and cringe dialogue (like references to climate change and the military industrial complex) being thrown in, the costumes are from almost every time period in existence. It’s like the costume designer came up to Cannon who forgot that she was in charge of deciding the wardrobe for the movie so she said, “The costumes? Uh…ya, just do whatever the Hell you feel like doing.” Everything from modern day clothing to nose rings to modern instruments to the locals themselves are forced into the old fashioned setting and none of it works. Since there have been dozens and dozens of adaptations of Cinderella, you really have to do something unique to stand out from the rest. Cannon decided to make the shittiest version to stand out and be memorable. The movie is almost a full two hours so the pacing goes by ever so slowly, culminating in a literal music video at the end with Cinderella staring at the camera and everything. I can’t think of a more embarrassing thing to have my name attached to than the people who wasted their time in front of and behind the camera on this disgrace. Thankfully this didn’t get a theatrical release because I am sure Amazon knows it would have bombed harder than a Biden speech. I’d rather turn into a literal pumpkin and rot in the sun than have to watch this ever again.

#WhatAClockBlock / #ThisMovieIsNotOKay / #CannonFodder / #IllDressedForCamelot / #HairyGodmother / #GleeTarded

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