2/10 In a rare case of Rotten Opinions getting something right, the 30% that this movie has at the time of writing might actually be a little bit too high. As someone who has a “Jurassic Park” tattoo, multiple house decorations where I live and counts the original classic to be one of my all time favorites films ever, to see the second trilogy come to an end with what is easily the worst movie in the entire six film franchise is heart breaking…in a first world problems kind of way. After the mediocrity of “Jurassic World” devolved into the horrendous “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom”, I didn’t think things could get much worse but boy was I wrong. I can’t believe that this script got greenlit by the executives at Universal Pictures, who clearly must have just assumed this would make money, no matter how bad the movie turned out to be (sadly they were right). Co-writer/director Colin Trevorrow has proved that he can’t write a screenplay to save his life as not only is this one of the worst scripts of 2022 but this doesn’t even feel like a “Jurassic Park” movie until the last act. There are so many things wrong with this that I won’t even be able to list half of them off but here are some big ones that stuck out to me. The previous movie ended with about 40 or 50 dinosaurs escaping into the world. Yet when this movie begins, not only are there tons of dinosaurs worldwide, but there are species that weren’t released at the end of the last movie. Most were a single species of dinosaur by itself, meaning it couldn’t reproduce because there was no mate of the opposite sex. Yet we are supposed to believe that 50 dinosaurs turned into thousands and magically are all over the world. In reality, the American government/military would have killed or captured all 50 of the dinosaurs to prevent Americans from getting killed/eaten. The plot ret-cons so many things in, which happened in the last two movies. We get lots of forced nostalgia/call backs that don’t come about naturally. At almost two and a half hours, the movie feels bloated and has too many characters/subplots going on at once. There are attempts at humor that mostly fall flat or serious moments that become humorous with how dumb they are. The number of coincidences is insane. Bringing the group of original characters from the original film into the plot and having them team up with the newer characters from the second trilogy was so forced and nonsensical. The villain is one of the worst of all time and extremely awkward. I was waiting for the movie to say that he had some form of autism or aspergers to explain why he acted so strange but we are never given any explanation. I didn’t believe for a second that a man so awkward, clueless, irresponsible and dumb would be at the head of a huge, profitable company (although Biden became the US President and is the exact same so maybe it isn’t all that surprising when these things happen). The first two acts have James Bond style globetrotting, kidnapping and all these other aspects that didn’t feel like they belonged in a movie set within this franchise. Not that you should repeat yourself every movie but if you are going to change things up, you still need to make sure that you stay faithful to the series. Jeff Goldblum doesn’t even try to play Ian Malcolm. He literally just plays himself, improvising his way through the movie like he didn’t even bother reading the script but instead just saying whatever pops into his head while they were filming. There are so many dumb moments like Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) outrunning raptors on foot but then the raptors are able to catch up to vehicles driving at least 50MPH. The amount of dumb moments, ex machinas, coincidences, etc. happen nonstop. Even Michael Giacchino’s score is completely forgettable except when he recycles the old John Williams themes. The fact that the original cast’s return happened in a movie that is so beneath them and their talents is truly heartbreaking. If you were to watch the original “Jurassic Park” with its simple, yet effective story, brilliantly written characters, magic and awe of dinosaurs, etc. and then jump straight to “Jurassic World: Dominion” with laser guided dinosaurs, women pulling a Virgin Mary and giving birth themselves, farming/food problems, locusts flying around on fire, etc. you would sadly wonder how we went from point A to point Z and how far we have strayed from the original. The only things that I enjoyed were seeing the old cast come back and interact with the new cast and the visual effects mixed with practical effects did look amazing. Other than a couple of minor positive aspects, if I had to sum up this movie in a sentence I would need to quote Ian Malcolm himself…”That is one big pile of shit.” Like the dinosaurs, it is time for this franchise to go extinct.

#FeaturingIndianaBones / #AMaisiengDisgrace / #Dumbminion / #WhatTheEllieWereYouThinking / #OnTheWongSideOfHistory / #BiosynsOfTheFather

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