2/10 Remember the lockdowns that kicked off around March 2020? Remember how millions of people around the world (perhaps you too) were scared of a virus we knew little about? Remember how millions worried that they might lose their jobs (and many did)? Remember how depression, anxiety, domestic abuse and substance abuse skyrocketed as we have since come to realize that lockdowns were actually worse than the virus itself? Well if you want to relive a horrible time for the entire world just so HBO could make a tone deaf movie to capitalize on all that trauma starring two miserable characters, then look no further than “Locked Down”. Director Doug Liman and writer Steven Knight have both been hit or miss in their careers, putting out great films and horrible ones alike. This definitely lands on the horrible side of their filmographies as this overly long movie drags on for a full two hours. The entire first hour was an absolute chore to get through as we get two unlikeable leads in Chiwetel Ejiofor’s Paxton and Anne Hathaway’s Linda. They both mope about with their first world problems in a nice flat, with work to do. While lockdowns and the China Virus was hard on everyone, if you were upper class, lived in a nice house/apartment, had steady work coming in, didn’t get horribly sick and were relatively young and healthy, then consider yourself lucky since so many people around the world had none of those luxuries. But the couple in this movie have broken up and are forced to live together in a place big enough that they don’t even have to interact should they choose not to, so that is really like the biggest problem in the world back when all that went down and you should feel sorry for them over everyone. We get to see Zoom calls with bad connection, people getting fired from their jobs, standing six feet apart while waiting outside of a grocery store before entering and so many other fun reminders of a horrible time in all of our lives. The multiple Zoom calls only exist for other actors to cameo in the movie, probably due to the fact that these actors were all bored and just wanted something to do as they avoided their families. The second half of the movie is at least more exciting with the heist portion of the movie, but even that did nothing to wow me. There are a million better heist films from “Ocean’s Eleven” to “Army of the Dead” and everything in between, all involving 100% less face masks and reminders of a tragic past events. People often go to the movies for escapism, not to be reminded of how horrible things are. At least if you were locked down with someone you loved, you might have even had some good times or had less stress in working from home and avoiding rush hour traffic and/or annoying co-workers/bosses. Yet here we have to quarantine with characters who argue over nonsense, pretentiously recite poetry in the middle of the street to annoy the neighbors, argue over more nonsense, become worse people and then argue some more. I’m not sure what HBO was thinking when they greenlit this. Maybe they were just thirsty for new content since all filming did have to stop for a while and this was a low budget movie that would be rather easy to film utilizing few locations. Too bad this absolute misfire overstays its welcome, brings up memories of an awful time the entire world wishes to get past and has unlikeable characters to ensure maximum suffering. Avoid this disaster like you would moving to a country/state/city that still thinks lockdowns were a good idea.

#LockedAndBloated / #LockInCloset / #ZoomPastThisMovie / #12DaysASlave / #LesMisérables2 / #Zoomlander

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