0.5/10 While the garbage organization PETA pretends to stand up for animal rights, human rights organizations have been strangely silent on human beings being subjected to one of the worst cinematic atrocities I’ve seen within the past five or six years since I started reviewing films. While the trailer looked cheesy, I thought it would be along the lines of something like “The King’s Daughter”, which while awful, was still tolerable. Nothing can prepare you for how truly horrendous in every way this movie is. Within the first ten minutes I knew I was in trouble but what I didn’t realize was that the movie would continuously get worse and go downhill in such spectacular fashion. If ISIS isn’t showing this movie on a loop to their POWs and captives, I will be shocked. This movie is a fantastic lesson on what not to do while making a movie. This feels like it should have gone straight to video/streaming years ago, before streaming services actually put out some decent content. The fact that this got a theatrical release and that movie studios signed off on this script blows my mind. Almost every scene had me cringing, rolling my eyes, or looking to the corner of the theater at an imaginary camera a la Jim from “The Office” whenever Michael would say something insanely stupid. While I don’t suffer from “resting bitch face”, I certainly suffered from “what the actual f$&k am I watching right now?” face for the entire duration of this pain fest. The only reason this gets a 0.5/10 instead of a flat out 0 is because the cast and crew felt like they had good intentions at making a wholesome movie, leading actress Molly Kunz (Alma) was likeable and the movie is at least short. Other than that, if you are ever unfortunate enough to come across this, don’t even change the channel, burn your entire house down with your TV inside of it. “Mystery Science Theater 3000” needs to make this an episode since it is rife for ripping on. The script is horrendous and filled with ridiculous, unrealistic moments, huge coincidences and cheesiness, the best acting in the movie comes from the lion and wolf, not the humans and the score and soundtrack are so cheesy that if you are lactose intolerant, you will need to be rushed to the hospital after this. Two shady animal workers named Eli and Charles should have been named Portland and Seattle with their extremely high levels of soy and stupidity filling the screen. Characters flip on a dime as the movie can’t go more than five or ten minutes before something insanely stupid happens. Near the end Alma even pleads with her lion about how it is in danger, as if the lion understands all English and will now surely heed her warnings. There is a subplot with Alma’s piano interests that really has nothing to do with the plot but waste some time and ends with a ridiculously cheesy concert with full microphones picking up sound from speakers and the piano on the edge of a lake with no notable electrical outlets. I’m sure the cast and crew’s family members showed up to be extras so they could save money on the budget. I really don’t have the time to go scene by scene but if I did, I could write a 20-page college essay as to why this is one of the worst movie going experiences I’ve had in years and this will be extremely difficult to beat as the worst movie of 2022. I’d rather get mauled to death simultaneously from a lion and a wolf than have to watch this disaster ever again.

#YoureLionIfYouEnjoyedThis / #AWolfInCheapsClothing / #GroanWolfAndCub / #ShallowWolves / #TheGreenPileOfShit / #OneGirlTwoPups

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s