3/10 Of the first three Phase 4 MCU movies, I was easily the most excited for “Eternals”. My 18th most anticipated film of 2021, what excited me about this movie was director Chloé Zhao, fresh off of her Oscar win for Best Director earlier this year. Her previous films were all solid and had lots of heart and authenticity to them. I was excited to see what she would bring to the MCU but sadly, this ends up being her first big misfire and surprisingly, even the shills AKA critics have rightfully torn this movie apart. Marvel and Kevin Feige were so concerned about forced diversity quotas (FiRsT gAy KiSs! FiRsT sEx ScEnE! FiRsT dEaF HeRo!) that they prioritized being woke over a good story, script and characters. One of the biggest problems is that this movie tries to cram way too much into its running time. There are way too many characters so there is no way to give any of them proper development and have the audience care about them. A couple characters get killed off relatively early into the movie and since we don’t know them and have barely spent any time with them, we could care less. The following emotional scenes of grieving have no impact because we don’t care about who just died. There are a few interesting ideas introduced here but none of them get the proper follow-up due to time restrictions. With so many characters involved, a Disney+ series would have been merited instead of cramming so much exposition into two and a half hours. The pacing is radically inconsistent as well with the movie feeling bloated and overly long. The overhyped sex scene for example was a complete waste of time and should have been cut out. We have the two characters kissing right beforehand but then unnecessarily cut to them doing the same thing, but this time naked on a beach, before cutting to the next scene. We didn’t need to see them on the beach since we had just seen them kissing and you could imply sex without the added waste of time. The action never wowed me and like most Marvel movies, the score was forgettable and the final battle devolves into a CGI orgy with style over substance. The biggest emotion I felt during this movie was indifference as I just didn’t care what was going on. I didn’t care about the characters. I didn’t care that the world was coming to an end (Zhao forces in a way too on the nose song selection with “The End of the World” just in case you needed a not so subtle hammer to the head to know what’s going on). The final act is the worst part of the movie as the heroes’ plans are thrown together last minute and yet somehow magically go off without a hitch. The fact that they knew how to do what they were doing seemed pretty unbelievable. The movie also tries to explain that the Eternals couldn’t interfere with mankind unless evil creatures called Deviants were involved. Yet the character Phastos specifically gives human beings advancements in technology which are often used for war, changing the course of history each and every day. Plot points like this are inconsistent and even the Eternals’ creation themselves and their abilities make no logical sense once you find out more about their purpose later on into the movie. There is a CGI villain which is a Deviant who has been evolving and he had absolutely zero personality and was a complete waste of time. Despite some of the visuals looking amazing, there were many shots that were clearly CGI and just looked fake. The character of Ikaris was just a Superman rip-off and Makkari was just The Flash. Gilgamesh (Ma Dong-seok) looks so close to Benedict Wong’s Wong character that I often mistook one for the other. There is some distracting product placement, the worst of which is a couple “Star Wars” products/Easter eggs which is extremely self-masturbatory of Disney to include. One scene has a character falling off a cliff and landing on some ice near a bunch of Deviants and there magically happens to be a shotgun just sitting there waiting for them which made me roll my eyes. The mid-credit scene was probably the most cringe worthy post-credit scene Marvel has ever put to film. As for what worked, the plot thread with Sersi and Ikaris was the most well developed and Sersi’s character had the greatest emotional depth. Harish Patel plays Karun, the assistant to Kumail Nanjiani’s Kingo and he had the funniest moments in the movie. It was nice to see a regular human among the Eternals. Sprite was in interesting character with a unique problem and was well acted by Lia McHugh. Several performers were strong and did the best with what they had to work with. The cinematography was strong as well. Despite some of the obvious CGI that I mentioned earlier, most of it did look gorgeous. In the end, this isn’t the worst Marvel movie that critics would have you believe it to be (that title probably goes to “Captain Marvel”) but this is definitely near the bottom as Phase 4 continues to be absolute trash. Marvel went from three phases in ten years with likeable characters and a strong plot as its priority. Following the defeat of Thanos, everything coming out of Marvel has just felt like a studio throwing up as much content as possible for financial gain, not even trying to make their films and shows great but instead opting for more content that children will enjoy. If Marvel doesn’t turn things around quickly, I’m hoping the fan base wises up and begins to turn to other entertainment with actual quality film making behind it.

#SersiBlandister / #SpriteClub / #BeyondOrders / #TheBigIk / #PlansFormersTheLastSprite / #TheKillingOfASacredSphere

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