1/10 A memorable location from the first “Space Jam” was Moron Mountain. Hollywood has basically turned into Moron Mountain as studios like Warner Brothers put out absolute garbage like this in a blatant and transparent attempt to shove their own brand down audiences’ throats. I re-watched the original “Space Jam” before I saw this and while it doesn’t hold up as well compared to watching it as an eight-year-old boy, much of it blows this away. For starters, LeBron James is no Michael Jordan. I’m not even talking about as a basketball player. Both are phenomenal players and people who know more about sports are more qualified to compare the two than I am. But from an acting standpoint, Jordan was charming, likeable and made you feel at ease when you watched him. His character in “Space Jam” was kind and unifying. Despite living in a mansion, they had Jordan’s house be a regular sized one as to not throw his money and possessions into your face, making him far more relatable. Here we get LeBron James who is just a garbage person who is as unintelligent as he is good at basketball. While Jordan stayed humble in “Space Jam”, this sequel opens with an entire montage just kissing LeBron’s ass and saying what an amazing person he is. One of the ways the opening credits measures this is by stating that he has millions of fans/followers on social media, as if the more followers you have the better person you become, which is a pretty perverse idea to put into a kids movie with a generation of children growing up on social media and all of the unhealthy ramifications that come along with that reality. LeBron gets blown the entire movie and Warner Brothers blows itself the entire movie with everyone just patting themselves on the back. Since LeBron is no Jordan, the movie opens with a wide shot of his mansion, letting you know how rich he is and you are not. I could tell it wasn’t really LeBron’s house though because there wasn’t a flag pole with the Chinese flag waving proudly. There is so much wrong with this movie it is hard to find a place to begin. The script is so cringe worthy that I can honestly say that “Mein Kampf” was better written. Which is ironic since sitting through this movie was my struggle. It is 40 minutes longer than the original and although the pacing was one of the few aspects of the movie that wasn’t terrible, it was still longer than it needed to be. As pointed out by original “Space Jam” director Joe Pytka, this doesn’t even feel like a “Space Jam” movie. There is so much focus on Warner Brothers intellectual properties and video game technology that this felt much more like “Ready Player One” than a basketball movie for kids. They took out the skunk character of Pepé Le Pew from the original because woke morons said he was part of rape culture (yes, I am sure children saw him in the original “Space Jam” and then grew up to be rapists) yet WB highlights characters from “Game of Thrones” (a show with extreme violence, nudity and rape), “IT” (where a killer clown murders children) and “A Clockwork Orange” (which contains violence and a rape scene so graphic that the film was banned in the UK for over 25 years). I get Warner Brothers highlighting their IP with other movies and franchises that kids can enjoy like “Harry Potter” and the DC universe with Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, etc. but to include the adult properties felt gross in a movie that is aimed at children. Should have gone all the way and partnered with Planned Parenthood and SMOK so kids can learn more about abortion and vaping. As long as WB gets their money, who cares, right? LeBron’s character is also a pretty big jerk. Like an Indian parent, he forces his son to take up the activities that HE wants him to do, not what his son actually wants to do. When it comes to his son they could have called this movie “Space Jam: Learn to Code”. He also berates and belittles his Looney Tune teammates and just comes across as extremely unlikeable, especially when compared to MJ. Speaking of characters, the once voluptuous Lola Bunny (real bunnies have curves) has been body shamed for her once full figure and is now a skinny shell of her former self. Anime nerds with particular fetishes won’t even be able to get off to her character anymore, which is truly sad. The original “Space Jam” had a decent score from one of the best working composers today (James Newton Howard) as well as a badass soundtrack that still holds up today with classics like “Space Jam”, “Fly Like an Eagle” and “I Believe I Can Fly”. Now we get a score from a composer Kris Bowers who no one has heard of and the soundtrack was atrocious. I could tell when I started to have a massive breakdown of brain cells when the movie incorporated Porky Pig doing a rap battle against no one and for absolutely no reason. LeBron’s son is named Dom just like Vin Diesel’s character in the “The Fast and the Furious” which makes sense because this movie was partially about FAMILY. And when you think about it…Warner Brothers. Brothers are family. Although for this movie they should have called themselves Warner Brothas and dropped the hard ER at the end to avoid claims of racism. Don Cheadle, who is a great actor, gives a career worst performance and couldn’t have been more over the top if he tried. They turn him into a CGI character at the end which made him look like George Floyd, which was ironic since you would have to be high on fentanyl to get any kind of enjoyment out of this. Even the CGI animation didn’t look great and will age horribly in the coming years. There are far too many more complaints to list and at this point of writing this review I have the same sentiment I did while watching the movie…I want this to end. If you have kids feel free to show them the original movie with a likeable lead and great music but absolutely no one should see this movie. With the movie not getting a Chinese release (ironic), this movie is going to flop harder than LeBron does on the court and as Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker says, “You get what you f$*king deserve.” This movie is the worst thing to happen to basketball since Kobe Bryant’s death.

#KingLames / #MusicByWeirdAlGRhythm / #Trainwreck2 / #ReadyBasketballPlayerOne / #TrafficJam>SpaceJam2 / #AWasteOfSpaceJam

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