1.5/10 Have you ever gotten so high that you sat in a room with your buddies, smoking and drinking and throwing darts at a board full of random words to come up with ideas for a movie script? Well Vin Diesel, director Justin Lin and co-writer Daniel Casey sure have. I know, I know. I can hear some people complaining that these movies shouldn’t be taken seriously (like a non-Asian doctor or the WNBA) and that by critiquing each and every moment just makes me a cynical, out of touch pessimist. Maybe so but this is my job so to quote Rocky Balboa, “Don’t ask me to stop being a m…ovie critic.” If this review is off to a ridiculous start, it is only because this ridiculous movie warrants this kind of a ridiculous review. On a more serious note, I feel like each time I watch one of these movies and think we have hit rock bottom (without The Rock, sadly), the sequel comes out and lowers the bar. The original film was rather grounded and a fun change of pace. The series peaked with “Fast Five” due to The Rock bringing in some charisma and even “Furious 7” had the extremely emotional payoff of it being Paul Walker’s last movie. Since the seventh installment however, these movies have become a farce of themselves. The plot is so stupid, so lazy, so formulaic and so ridiculous that I do not care to really go into detail about it. You can watch the trailer and know how dumb this movie is. Han died in the third movie and yet the creative forces behind this movie have let some internet trolls who liked Han roughly 15 years ago bring him back from the dead for this latest car wreck. How they say Han survived death was so lazy and unrealistic that it makes sense in a “Fast and Furious” kind of way. However, his return could have actually been a surprising moment if the trailers and marketing didn’t instantly give away his return, which was extremely stupid on behalf of Universal Studios’ marketing department. Speaking of characters not really dying, these characters can literally survive any situation without so much as a scratch or bruise to the point where Tyrese jokes about it in the movie. As if that forgives the unrealistic stupidity of everything. When your characters are covered in plot armor and you know they won’t die and if they do that they can just be brought back, there are no real stakes for your characters as no one is ever in any real danger. Killing off some characters would actually be ballsy and emotional but these movies aren’t even attempting to go down that road. The problems are endless and range from being overlong (two and a half hours) to Cardi B’s distracting cameo (she speaks with such poor English and with such a ghetto accent that I honestly couldn’t understand half of her dialogue and I am not exaggerating) to all of the comedic attempts falling flat. Tyrese and Ludacris are supposed to be the funny ones but their poor attempts at pop culture references and trash talking are just as stale as everything else in this movie. Even the over the top action has been done better in previous movies and the soundtrack is one of the worst in this series. Flashbacks with Dom and his brother are weird because his brother who is smaller than Dom manages to grow two feet and 200 pounds to be bigger than Dom a decade later. The only reason I managed to give this movie one and a half stars out of ten is due to a couple of reasons. In coming full circle, the movie brings back the crew from “Tokyo Drift” which is hopefully building for everyone still alive from these movies to come back for the final two-part finale (minus The Rock). The visual effects are pretty well done and the mid credit scene tease is one with some exciting ramifications. Much like Paul Walker himself, this franchise needs to die off already. And as someone online stated, if the 10th movie isn’t called “Fast 10 Your Seatbelts”, I will be furious.

#F9IsForFamily / #FamilyGuy / #HansSoloFilm / #LowAiresInYourTires / #ChrisCollpasingBridges / #Dom&Domer

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