1/10 Despite the somewhat cheesy trailer, I figured a movie starring Tom Wilkinson and Andy Serkis had to be of decent quality if those respected thespians signed on for it, right? Oh, how wrong I was. A colossal failure on every level imaginable, “SAS: Red Notice” is a total embarrassment for everyone involved and with the horrendous script it had, shouldn’t have been greenlit in the first place. The only positive thing I can say about this movie was that it was so bad that I was able to have a lot of laughter at the movie’s expense. It reminded me of “Sharknado” in the sense that you can just laugh at how ridiculous it all is except “Sharknado” didn’t take itself seriously and knew it was a joke while this fiasco actually wants to play it straight and serious. It is hard to pick a spot as to where to begin to tear this movie apart but we can start with the cast. Ruby Rose is not only an awful actress, but seeing as she is about 5’7’’ and under 130 pounds, she isn’t physically intimidating in the slightest. Yet she walks around overly trying to look hard and to be a badass that you just can’t take her seriously. Part of her bad acting is that when someone else is talking, people tend to have a normal face at rest. Instead, Rose constantly has a nonstop smirk that couldn’t be more irritating if she tried to be. Add to that her atrocious haircut that looks like a mix of Jim Carrey’s bowl cut from “Dumb & Dumber” and Ben Stiller as Simple Jack from “Tropic Thunder” and you’ve got the ingredients for a laughing stock of a villain. On the good guy side, lead actor Sam Heughan is what you get if you take Chris Pratt and suck out 100% of his charisma, likeability and screen presence. I can’t place all the blame on him when the script he was given was used toilet paper but he did absolutely nothing for me. The dialogue was cringe and laughable, the movie opens with narration that was completely unnecessary and out of place since there was never any future narration and characters were all paper thin. There are just so many illogical displays of stupidity in the movie and convenient coincidences. Our main character is supposed to fly his girl to Paris but randomly at the last second decides to take a train for absolutely no reason other than it puts him in the same place as the bad guys. Top British officials, instead of getting briefed by some kind of chain of command or top government/military officials just sit around watching the news, learning about everything at the same time as the general population. Despite most of the action taking place in an underground tunnel, every single cell phone not only has perfect reception for calls and texts but you can even upload YouTube videos with ease! The villains have no qualms about killing men, women and children, yet when a little girl gets a boo boo on her arm, they suddenly care enough to track down anyone with medical experience on the train to help the poor, little girl. Some of the most laughably bad moments are when the movie tries to say that psychopaths have their eyes dilated when they are up to no good, showing how evil they are. Despite how utterly stupid an idea this is (the entire theater laughed when it happened at the very end of the movie during a wedding scene phone call), one study on psychopaths actually stated that when normal people get excited or frightened, their eyes dilate, but psychopaths don’t. So it is exactly the opposite of what the movie showed. Near the end of the movie the villain and the protagonist’s girlfriend take a hovercraft type vehicle through a tunnel going extremely fast. Yet ten seconds after they exit, our protagonist is right behind them despite the fact that he didn’t have any kind of transportation. Yet he was still able to magically teleport behind them somehow in record speed. That is only a taste of how stupid this movie is. It baffles me that trash like this gets made and multiple people in a movie studio can sign off on this. Great to get drunk to and laugh at, “SAS: Red Notice” is a failure of epic proportions to the point of being insulting. I’d rather receive jury duty or a notice that my parents both died in a car accident than receive this red notice ever again.

#ASSRedNotice / #DoctorWhoGreenlitThis? / #SwanOfTheDead / #Shatwoman / #NotMySerkisNotMyMonkeys / #StopToQuellTheRoses

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