1.5/10 “The Old Guard” is much like the year of our Lord, 2020. When it started I was very optimistic and ready for something new. Not long after starting it, it devolved into a horrific experience that no one should have to suffer through. In the military there is a term called “deployment goggles”. It basically means you could see an ugly or average looking person and they look like a 10/10 to you because of your “deployment goggles”. You haven’t seen real attractive people in so long that mediocre ones become top of the line to you. With theaters having largely been shut down for the past six months, I’ve noticed critics and every day audience members alike giving high scores/praise to either mediocre movies or in the case of “The Old Guard”, awful ones. Make no mistake, this is a terrible, terrible movie but due to the lack of new content available with theaters closed, so many people are wearing their “streaming service goggles” and thinking movies like this are decent when in reality, they are just the opposite. When this movie started I thought that the concept behind the story (based off of a graphic novel) might make for a cool one. Yet the more I watched, the more I realized that there is nothing original about this disaster. The movie is essentially a rip off of “Highlander” and the character of Wolverine from the “X-Men” franchise. Combine those two ideas and you’ve got “The Old Guard”. One of the main characters in this movie is a Marine. Seeing as I was in the Marine Corps for five years, I could tell that absolutely no research was done in regards to the military and no Marines were consulted because there were far too many inaccuracies to count in terms of how the Marines/Marine Corps were portrayed in this. There are several lines of dialogue that were cliché, cheesy or just flat out bad. The acting was fairly mediocre across the board. Charlize Theron is an Academy Award winning, talented actress but this script gives her nothing to do. KiKi Layne gives the movie’s weakest performance which is a big problem since she is one of the main characters. The villain is so generic and forgettable and we already saw him recently in 2018’s “Venom” movie. The action would have been pretty good ten years ago but in a post “John Wick” action film world, the action offered here is bland and mediocre while offering nothing we haven’t already seen before. Two of the biggest problems this movie has are with the soundtrack and the movie’s politics. As for the political issues/messaging, this movie is as subtle as a jackhammer to the point where this movie is borderline propaganda in terms of its woke politics. You see it coming from a mile away and if you aren’t a woke radical, you will be rolling your eyes at the messaging that this movie shoves down your throat. The soundtrack is equally painful. There is a scene in the comedy classic “Baseketball” where the lead character is depressed and tries to put the radio on to cheer him up. Unfortunately for him, the song playing on the radio starts describing in vivid detail the exact problems he specifically is going through in life, to his shock. It is a funny and amusing moment and makes sense for a cheesy comedy. This garbage movie has a similar moment near the end when Layne’s character is basically on a rescue mission and the lyrics to the terrible song playing are matching up with what is happening in the scene. “I’m going down fighting” is repeatedly sung and similarly laughable lyrics. It was so embarrassing and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. An earlier song in the movie sounds like it was made as trailer music for any live action “G.I. Joe” movie. The score was forgettable and this has one of the worst soundtracks I have heard in years…and I’ve heard some bad ones. There are also plenty of singular stupid nonsensical moments like the fact that there is probably 15 minutes of nonstop explosions, yelling and gunfire happening in a public building and not a single person calls the cops until everything has ended and our heroes are leaving, which was insultingly stupid. Or the fact that Theron’s character is thousands of years old so she has all of these years’ worth of fighting experience, wisdom and knowledge yet when she gets into a fight with Layne’s character who is in her early 20s, the fight is evenly matched and goes on for a while. In reality, Theron would have instantly kicked her ass, no questions asked. Yet the movie has no logic so that would have been too much to ask. Greg Rucka’s ridiculous script (stick to graphic novels, buddy) and Gina Prince-Bythewood’s abysmal direction add up to one of the worst movies of 2020. If you want to see Charlize Theron have better fighting scenes/choreography in a mediocre movie, you can watch “Atomic Blonde” (mediocre is better than the dog crap that this is) but if you want to see Charlize Theron doing great action in a great film, go watch “Mad Max: Fury Road”. Either way, you have different options to get your Theron action fix and all of them are far better than this cinematic abortion.
#OldGuardiansOfTheTravesty / #SemperDie / #LowerYourGuardAndExpectations / #12000YearsASlave / #EyeAndy / #AMillionWaysToDieInTheQuest