.5/10 If time travel existed most people would go back in time to stop Adolf Hitler or warn President Lincoln about his would be assassin. Not me. If I had a time machine I would go back in time to never watch this absolute abomination of a movie. It is extremely rare for me to review a movie and have it not even earn a 1/10 but here we are. I drink over a gallon of water a day. Why am I sharing this? Well because of the amount of water I drink daily, I frequently use the bathroom. This is the only time in recent memory I can recall of me looking forward to pausing this movie so I could take a bathroom break. The short walk to the bathroom and the bathroom break itself felt like ecstasy in comparison to the pain of having to force myself to get through this. The cast is full of no name actors (with two exceptions but more on them later) with several main cast members overacting, particularly the awful school counselor played by Sasheer Zamata who does some of the worst overacting in recent memory. The script is complete garbage and Netflix should be utterly ashamed that they signed off on this. Characters make completely dumb decisions, convenient coincidences are lazily thrown in everywhere, the writer apparently doesn’t know how school, law enforcement or just life in general work because there is nothing realistic or believable in the entire movie. The fact that the girls robbing trains aren’t instantly caught with the overwhelming evidence against them is a joke. Or how they inexplicably film themselves practicing robbing the train for no reason. Or how their mother who supposedly cares so much about her children that she decides to have a temper tantrum at work, get herself arrested and not think about the consequences that stem from that moronic decision. The kids’ father also somehow doesn’t legally pay any child support and it is never explained how he is so easily able to escape that. The portrayal of high school feels more unrealistic than a Disney Channel TV show. The only two recognizable actors are Missi Pyle and Tim Blake Nelson who both deserve so much better than this. I hope they got paid well for adding this permanent stain to their filmographies. Nelson in particular has worked with the Coen Brothers and somehow ended up here, which depresses me that he has fallen so far. Nelson’s character is a buffoon and the movie pretends that just because one detective is bad at his job that that somehow would erase multiple felony charges from the main character’s respective records. There is little character development which I was actually happy about because the less time spent with these poorly written/acted characters, the better. Both the writer and the director are nobodies who will never be truly successful or make anything worth watching. I couldn’t decide if the soundtrack or the score was worse. The soundtrack is full of jarring garbage and the score rotated back and forth between bad and cheesy. Since two people worked on the score, I guess one was in charge of scoring bad music and the other was in charge of the cheesy music. The half a point given to this joke was due to the movie being short (thank God) and a couple directorial flares that were unique. There was even some pedophile symbolism I spotted in one scene, making this not only a dumpster fire but a creepy one as well. I would rather get run over by an actual train than ever have to sit through this again. Avoid watching at all costs and thank me later.
#MusicByRobThomasTheTankEngine / #TheGirlsOnTheTrain / #ACompleteTrainWreck / #LaneyTrainyAndNoneOfTheFeels / #OhBrotherWhereArtThouCareerHeading? / #TheQualityWentDownTheTrain