3.5/10 81 days. That is how long it had been since I saw “Birds of Prey” in theaters, the evening before all theaters shut down and the last movie I saw on the big screen. After what seemed like an eternity, two theaters within half an hour of where I live have been the first to open (shout out to Fat Cats in Mesa and Gilbert in Arizona) with a mix of newer and older movies for our viewing pleasure. Although I was never super excited to see this movie, I have to admit that as the lights dimmed, the smell of popcorn from the father/daughter sitting in the row behind me hit my nostrils and the previews began (something I usually ignore as I play on my phone), I felt like a kid on Christmas being back in a movie theater. The sound was booming and the screen felt gargantuan compared to the TV and laptop I’ve been watching Netflix and TV shows on for the past three months. Then this movie happened. As glad as I was to be back in a theater (an experience I will never take for granted again), I must say that this was a pretty dumb movie to watch for my cinematic rebirth. It is a shame too because the opening half an hour was actually the best part of the movie. We get to see the planet Sonic grew up on and get some backstory that sets the plot in motion and for a kids movie based off of a 1991 Sega Genesis game, the plot may be thin but it isn’t too bad all things considered. Sonic is also mostly a fun, energetic character (he only gets to be slightly annoying for a few brief moments) and the visuals of his super fast running are well constructed and edited. I’m also thankful that the design of Sonic himself was upgraded after the fan outcry which followed the movie’s first trailer. This has been the best, most constructive thing I have seen a fan base do for a still in development movie since fans brilliantly got an amazing line from Samuel L. Jackson added to “Snakes on a Plane”. Those of you who have seen that movie know what line I’m referring to. Despite the energetic visuals, entertaining lead character, solid backstory and lightning quick pacing, everything else will make you feel like you just fell down and lost all of your rings. There is a ton of product placement with references including but not limited to Olive Garden, Costco, Zillow, Fit Bit, Optical Illusions and more. This movie sold out harder than a politician to a bunch of products/corporations. Jim Carrey as Dr. Robotnik was so over the top that it became embarrassing. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a thoughtful, serious take on the villain but a scene where he was dancing to a song from his anarchy mixtape made me cringe pretty hard. This movie also contains childish potty humor like Sonic farting in a hotel room for no apparent reason other than to make three year olds laugh or something. At one point James Marsden tells Sonic to leave early on and the following exchange with Sonic not knowing which way west is (Marsden’s character Tom could have literally just pointed) and Tom being extremely easily convinced to let Sonic stay with him was really poorly written. While the two of them are staying in a hotel room, the TV in their room is on but either muted or just with super low volume since we can’t hear it. Once Sonic falls asleep and a relevant piece of information shows up on the news, the volume is magically high enough for us to hear, which is ridiculous. What’s more frustrating is that they could have just had Tom glance at the TV, see himself, grab the remote and turn up the volume instead of the lazy way they did it. There is also a running gag with Tom’s sister in law wanting him and his wife to get a divorce for absolutely no reason, since they are a great couple who are happy together. There is no explanation as to why she hates their marriage so much and it just comes across as needlessly dark for a kids movie. In the end, I’m glad to have theaters back and I know kids will enjoy this movie. For us adults though, this is a movie you can skip as we hold our breaths for “Tenet” to come out and be our redeemer.
#TheDonutLordOfTheRings / #StarringBlueBalls / #SonicAtNite / #HedgeFun / #TheRingFromAnotherWorld / #AlphaAndOsega