.5/10 Normally when I give a movie a 1/10 or a 2/10, one common positive denominator that those awful movies share is that they tend to be short so I compliment their pacing since at least they fly by. This atrocity is so egregious that even though this clocks in at just under an hour and a half, this catastrophe is so slow and so boring that the pacing crawls along at a snail’s pace and made this feel like it was three hours long. It took a solid 20 minutes before anything remotely interesting happened. This movie is so slow and boring that it could put someone who just snorted a line of coke to sleep. This movie is so slow and boring that it made “Roma” look action packed. This movie is so slow and boring that one of the most exciting moments in the movie is a woman dropping some berries that she was washing in the sink and I am not kidding about that. Literally everything in this movie happens extremely slowly. The lead character’s narration is spoken slowly with long pauses between words. Every camera pan is done at the speed of my Nana driving through a school zone. The main protagonist and the senior citizen she is caring for both walk at the same molasses pace. Even when using scissors to cut tape to open a box, she does it with the energy of a mannequin. I cannot stress enough how God awful this was to sit through. 95% of the dialogue in the movie is pretentious narration that ultimately means nothing. The story is incoherent and lazy. For a horror movie, there are no scares whatsoever. The only reason I could think that Netflix greenlit this disaster is because there are only about ten people in the cast and the movie all takes place in one location so this must have had a budget that was lower than the IQ of writer/director Osgood Perkins. I reviewed his most recent movie and the follow up to this which came out earlier this year, “Gretel & Hansel” and even though it was mediocre, it was miles ahead of this. At least he is improving. Our main protagonist has only a few people to communicate with so the movie is over reliant upon her narration which gets old very quickly. Another huge problem is that nothing really happens in this movie. If you asked me to give bullet points on the events of this movie I would probably have three or four and none of them are interesting or exciting. The movie tries to blend what is currently happening with flashbacks and what was happening in a novel that a character in this movie wrote but all of these time periods blurring together only makes the movie less coherent and more muddled. There is absolutely no substance to this movie and all of the actors look bored as they struggle through the script which is simultaneously paper thin as well as over written. In my years of running this website, I think this is only the second or third time I have given a movie a score of less than 1, which says a lot about this garbage. Do your absolute best to avoid this because there sure is nothing pretty about it.
#ABlumhouseProduction / #TheMoldAndTheBeautiful / #ALongLamePolly / #APollyamorousRelationship / #IAmTheShittyThingThatLivesInTheHouse / #OsbadPerkins