0/10 Black Christmas? I thought that was just called Kwanza…In the last several years of officially reviewing films on this website, the closest I have come to giving a movie a 0 for a score was when I gave “Transformers: The Last Knight” a .5/10 back in 2017. The .5 basically came from the amazing special effects and the opening battle scene. Flash forward two and a half years to this disgrace where I literally could not find one redeemable feature about this movie. Never have I wanted a movie to end so badly than I did while watching this giant lump of coal. I had never seen the original 1974 “Black Christmas” and I hadn’t seen the 2006 remake since I saw it on Christmas Day back when it was in theaters. So to prepare for this remake, I watched both of the first two movies. Both movies are bad but had some strengths. The original was genuinely scary, which is rare for those older, cheesier horror movies. The 2006 remake was bad but had some solid gore to earn its R rating and at least had an interesting backstory. In this 2019 version, we have the worst screenplay of 2019 to give us #MeToo, the movie. When I go to a horror movie about Christmas, I go for some holiday themed violence. Instead I got lectured for an hour and a half on how toxic men are, was given no scares and the vast majority of the kills were done off screen or were watered down. The plot is absolutely ludacris and literally involves black magic. All of the male characters are either buffoons or evil and you can see the main villain coming from a mile away. Characters make the most idiotic decisions in true horror movie form. Imogen Poots, who is a solid actress who has been in some great films (“Green Room” and this year’s “The Art of Self-Defense”) phones this one in and there is no good acting because these actors have absolutely nothing to work with in terms of the script. One of the main characters is neck and neck for the most annoying character in all of celluloid for 2019. Blumhouse Films has a mostly solid track record of putting out decent horror films and many times embracing the hard R rating. Here we get the worst of PG-13 movies, horror movies and Blumhouse combined. Some bad films like “Birdemic” or “Sharknado” or even “The Room” are so bad that you can laugh at them, have a few drinks and enjoy them, despite their low quality. “Black Christmas” is one of those rare, truly awful movies where despite how atrocious it is, there is no way to find any enjoyment whatsoever in your viewing experience with this. It can’t be stated enough how poorly made this movie was and how hard it was to get through. Christmas is about the birth of Christ and this is the worst thing to happen to Christ since he was crucified. I’d rather get herpes for Christmas than see this monstrosity polluting my Christmas stocking from within.
#OrphanBlackChristmas / #ImogenPoops / #TwelveSlaysOfChristmas / #SmellsLikeTeenChristmasSpirit / #PledgeToNeverWatchThis / #ChristmasCrimeIsHere