2/10 Before I even get to the review of this equivalent of a turtle choking on plastic straws, let me point out how the movie’s title is a complete farce. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with the first “47 Meters Down” (which I also reviewed on this site) so to use the title for this supposed sequel is just a shameless grasp at name recognition, despite no connection to that similarly terrible movie. Also, there is no point in this movie where a shark is caged and then breaks free to become uncaged so having the word “Uncaged” in the title is also false advertising and untrue. Dumb title out of the way, this movie is as fun as drowning. From the heavy handed opening, this movie establishes classic movie tropes. Paper thin characters whom make really stupid decisions? Check. Obviously fake CGI? Check. Extremely convenient coincidences and ex machinas? Yep. This movie has it all. There is a family drama going on that we care nothing about, completely unrealistic situations and an ending so over the top that Sylvester Stallone tried to arm wrestle it. At one moment a regular sized fish screams at one of our lead characters, she flails back into a pillar that must weigh thousands of pounds and her 100-pound body falling into it is enough to completely collapse the pillar, as if it were made out of silly putty. Another ridiculous issue is that the sharks in this movie are blind from living underwater in complete darkness so their other senses are heightened, which makes sense. Except for the fact that all of these characters whom are scuba diving and trying to hide from the sharks have bubbles constantly coming up from their masks as they breathe. The popping and floating bubbles, in addition to the noise made just from breathing would absolutely be able to be detected by these heightened sensed sharks, but alas, they apparently don’t detect a thing. One aspect of the original movie focused on the hallucinations that occurred when the oxygen tanks ran low. Here, the oxygen tanks get to dangerously low levels but there are no hallucinations amongst any of the characters. Speaking of their oxygen tanks, they go from 100% to 40% in the first 30 minutes of usage. Then for the next hour they slowly take their time at decreasing, despite more and heavier breathing and swimming taking place. You know how in a movie a bomb will be set to explode in 10 minutes and the final two minutes of the bomb takes place over seven or eight minutes? It is basically the same principle here. The oxygen would have easily run out but the movie has everything slow down to make the oxygen last. The ending is so laughable, convenient and unrealistic that you will feel insulted by the movie’s end. The soundtrack sucks and feels like half of it is ripped from a bad 90s movie and the score is forgettable. The only positives I can say are that there is some genuine tension when the shark is coming after our characters that puts us on the edge of your seat. Lastly, at an hour and a half, the movie swims along at a decent pace so we at least don’t have to suffer for long. Let’s hope there is not a third movie in this franchise that continues to bring my IQ 47 points down.
#SharkWeak / #MakeWhiteSharksGreatAgain / #ASharkRuinsEverything / #JurassicShark / #CradleToTheCave / #OxygenTankedAtTheBoxOffice