Crawl

2.5/10 Not that I had the highest of expectations for this movie but “Crawl” still turned out to be one unnatural disaster of a cinematic experience. The only positives that I can say this movie has is that it earns its R rating with some solid violence/gore and the running time and pacing work well so the experience goes by quickly and doesn’t drag. It will entertain you but then again, so do movies like “Sharknado”. Other than those qualities, everything else is pretty horrific and poorly done. Right from the beginning, there is some super over the top foreshadowing and it is super convenient that our main female protagonist just happens to be a great swimmer with over a decade of experience. As one of the biggest hurricanes of their lifetimes is about to hit Florida and everyone is urged to evacuate, our protagonist’s moron of a father decides that this would be the perfect time for some home renovations in the basement/cellar section of the house. Never mind that by the time the hurricane ends that the house, will be underwater, now is a great time to work on the lowest part of the house which is underground. The script tries to force in some family drama about how the parents are divorced and the mom prefers one daughter and the dad prefers the other but because we never get to really know these characters, we couldn’t care less about these manufactured melodramatic elements. Many stupid decisions are made by the main characters and everyone around them. Characters risk their lives around these alligators for dumb objects that aren’t worth their lives. One character gets their arm bit just below the elbow, but instead of the movie trying for any realism and therefore losing the arm below the bite, the character is totally fine and just has some teeth marks, despite the insanely strong power that an alligator’s bite has. Near the end of the movie there is a helicopter casually flying through the hurricane which is ridiculous for two reasons. The most obvious being that a helicopter wouldn’t and can’t fly in those types of conditions. High winds are enough to prevent helicopters from taking off, let alone hurricane winds and rain. Second, near the beginning of the movie, we hear over the radio that everyone needs to evacuate because rescuers will NOT be coming back to save anyone left behind. Yet in the end they do come back for people so what was that radio message all about? There are many dumb moments that don’t make much sense but when the screenplay is this lazily written, what do you expect? The CGI alligators don’t even look super convincing so this movie really doesn’t have much going for it. Be sure to evacuate your local theater like a hurricane is coming to avoid seeing this alligator turd.

#LakeFlacid / #PepperInSomeStupidity / #WeirdApexButOK / #CrawlYouCanEat / #ForTheGatorGood / #BraveDavesWaveGrave

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