3.5/10 Much like I did with the “Fast & Furious” franchise earlier in the summer, I had the (mis)fortune of re-watching all four previous “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies to refresh my memory before I saw this fifth entry. Although not nearly as bad as the F&F franchise, this is a franchise that started strong, became bloated and predictable, went full dumpster fire with the fourth entry and now here we are. I feel like Johnny Depp was drunk for most of filming so the film makers changed scenes to make him drunk in them to compensate, threw him a bottle of rum and just went with it. The Captain Sparrow from the first film has turned into a Saturday Night Live parody of itself and has run its course. We really don’t care much about the new characters introduced (especially the manufactured love story that felt like it was just checking off the “romance” box that the producers had). It also steals the “No man can kill me” – “I am no man” bit from “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” and replaces it with “No man can read this map” – “I am no man.” Most of these Pirates movies have one big escape scene near the beginning of the movie and the one in this movie was probably the worst yet. It involves an entire building being dragged by about 12 horses down a street that is always wide enough for the building, always traveling at the same speed (talk about horsepower) and always stays level. It was so laughably bad that it was an insult to the audience and their intelligence. The British soldiers in this franchise and in particular the fourth and fifth entries have become the equivalent of Stormtroopers with their total lack of critical thinking and worse aim than Steve Wonder at a urinal. A couple characters from previous movies cameo, but are in the movie for such a short amount of time that it feels shoehorned in. Everyone involved seems to be just doing this for a big paycheck at this point. The attempts at humor in this movie fall flat and have hit a new low for the series. A couple scenes that took place at night were really poorly lit and you could barely see what was going on. Yes, I realize this is night in the ocean but maybe some moonlight, torches on the ship or extra lightning flashes in the storm could have helped. The scenarios these characters find themselves in get more unrealistic, unbelievable and inconceivable with each passing movie. With a run time of 2 hours and 20 minutes, this bloated mess will make you feel sea sick. The only positives I can say about this movie are that it does have a decent villain whose flashback scene is probably the best scene in the movie and his motivations all make total sense to the point where you sympathize with him. The visual effects were also top notch and most of the battle scenes were well choreographed and executed. Not quite on the disaster level of the “Fast & Furious” franchise but you will need a Hell of a lot of rum to make this sinking ship of a franchise tolerable.

#DoOrDoNotThereIsNoTrident / #ForTheLoveOfBlackPearl / #WhenTheShipHitsTheFan / #ThenITookASparrowInTheKnee / #HelpCaptainJackOffHisHighHorse / #50FirstMates / #DontPirateThisMovie

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