0.5/10 This is an atheist’s best evidence in their argument that there is no God. Believe it or not I would often defend Michael Bay. I haven’t seen “The Rock” in years but it was a lot of fun from what I remember (same goes for “Armageddon”), “Pain & Gain” I also enjoyed and would recommend and I was really impressed with “13 Hours” which I think every American should see. Even in his not so good movies (see “Bad Boys” and this franchise) at least the action scenes were incredibly well done. He knows how to direct action almost better than anyone. However, there is no forgiving this movie. There is no defending it. There is no saving it. Even the action in this movie is uninspired and rehashed. I didn’t think there would be a worse movie than “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets” but Michael Bay and the “screenwriters” (if you can call them that) collectively said, “Hold my beer…” Like “Valerian”, this movie’s only decent scene comes in the opening which is a flashback to a medieval battle (which even that scene has problems). Once that scene ends get ready for a full 2 ½ hours of terrible dialogue, a plot you won’t care about or remember, annoying under developed characters, a pace so slow it makes my grandparents boning look like jackhammers and more. Thankfully the last couple movies in this franchise have done worse and worse at the box office so I think audiences are finally starting to get that these films are celluloid abortions. You can tell Mark Wahlberg is only there for the fat paycheck. Why in the Hell Sir Anthony Hopkins (whom just put in an AMAZING turn in season one of Westworld last year) is here and how he got dragged into this is beyond me. This will forever be the worst film he ever took part in. The romance aspect of this film is so painfully bad. I think I have more chemistry with half of my family than Marky Mark has with Random Model Love Interest #2 in this movie. The only positives I can give it are that opening battle scene and the special effects. Other than those, when I was trying to decide between which movie is worse, “Valerian” or this, what made me pick this was just how long, bloated, overstuffed and painfully slow it was. You feel every second of the film’s run time as you wait for it to end so you can pop your anti-depressants. If I was stuck on an island and this was the only film I could watch for eternity I would slit my wrists with a pineapple. Avoid this cancer of a movie like you would if you were a gay person at an ISIS meeting in Saudi Arabia.
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