4/10 Spider-Man was my favorite superhero as a kid growing up. Every day after school I couldn’t wait to get home to watch the cartoon on television. Spider-Man will always hold a special place in my heart…which is what makes this film all the more disappointing. I couldn’t believe how well liked and reviewed this film is. I have a lot of nitpicks and a lot of bigger problems. Right off the bat, the very opening of the movie is Peter Parker filming with his cell phone in the shakiest, Jason Bourne movie/Michael J. Fox fashion imaginable. Peter Parker is a photographer and a skilled one at that. So you mean to tell me that an incredibly intelligent photographer can’t even hold a phone steady? Right then, I knew something was wrong. This isn’t the only change they made to characters from the comics. I get reinventing things to freshen them up but some character traits are staples and shouldn’t be deviated from (the lack of Spider sense is very noticeable). This movie is also one of the most unrealistic portrayals of high school that I have ever seen. Maybe the most unrealistic since the garbage movie “The Duff.” Two armed men with guns walk onto campus and not one single student, teacher or faculty member see them or raise alarm at the sight of strangers on school grounds. On prom night, students are also able to go into computer labs (do they not lock the doors at this school so people don’t steal things?) to use multiple computers. The school is also over the top in its diversity to the point of being laughable. I can only take so much political correctness before I roll my eyes. The fact that the villains stayed in the same warehouse hideout for eight years without getting caught (despite being extremely careless) by any federal agency was insulting to the viewer. Speaking of villains, the Vulture’s motivations in the beginning make sense but then he turns into a total hypocrite which makes him lose credibility and cheapens him as a villain. There is also a reveal about the main villain when Peter goes to prom that was the biggest coincidence in any film I have seen in 2017. It was painful, unrealistic and lazy. Another reveal at the end of the film was also garbage considering this character had been on the same decathlon team for the entire year, yet suddenly decides to reintroduce herself to the group for some reason, which also totally strayed from the comics. At one point Peter’s annoying, fat friend comes in to save the day at the last second which made no sense because he wouldn’t have known where Peter was at that moment and it was just a lazy ex machina. The main love interest and that subplot had absolutely no payoff. The final action set piece on a jet was so over the top and took things too overboard. An entire building basically collapses onto Peter at one point but when he lifts the weight off of him (only through will power, which is dumb), only an air vent was on top of him…. uh, no. The only positives I can say about this film are that the cast is solid as Tom Holland continues to be perfectly cast as someone who is actually a high schooler and not a 30-year-old posing as a high schooler. Even though Michael Keaton’s character is slightly flawed, he does a great job playing the Vulture. Besides the last action set piece, the rest of the action and visuals look great and are well executed. The score is rather forgettable but decent. It does a good job of using Tony Stark and connecting to the MCU. It took SIX screenwriters (several who wrote the atrocious Ed Helms “Vacation” reboot, which suddenly makes sense as to why this was bad) to write this, which is always a bad sign. This script got passed around more than Aunt May probably did back in college. If you want a good Marvel movie from this summer, stick with “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2” and prepare to be as disappointed in this movie as you would be if you got bit by a non-radioactive spider.
#SpiderSenseless / #HomecomingSling / #ShockBlock / #SinisterSixScreenwriters / #JonWattsWereYouThinking? / #TomHollandBoats