2/10 “Hey Jarrod, this film came out in April and you are just reviewing it now?! What is wrong with you, you slow movie reviewing piece of crap?!” The reason it took me so long to finally get to this monstrosity was because I took on the equally foolish and painful task of marathoning all seven previous “Fast and Furious” movies in this franchise. It took me some time and by the time I finished them all this movie was in the dollar theater (and my soul was in Hell), which I had not been too in probably 16 or 17 years (Super Saver Cinema 8 with their $3 ticket prices for the win). I am kind of grateful I saw this movie for $3 because it is definitely not worth the regular ticket price. Upon watching the entire franchise, I knew what to expect and this was basically more of the same. An unbelievably dumb plot (the reason for Russia and the US not working together is laughable and lazy), some of the worst dialogue of the year filled with cheesy one liners that the 1980s would have rejected, stunts so over the top that I was waiting for Stallone to come in and start arm wrestling, and a new forgettable villain in the form of Charlize Theron’s hair stylist. All this franchise does is repeat the same formula but push to make the stunts and set pieces bigger. I will give them credit for taking the scale up every time with each passing film buy the quality has remained poor every step of the way. I have no idea where they are going to take this franchise next but wouldn’t be surprise if the rumors were true and they did end up fighting in space and drag racing moon rovers or something equally idiotic. People will say, “This is just one of those movies where you just turn off your brain and enjoy it.” No. My brain can only turn off so much and even with my brain unplugged from reality, this would still be too stupid. It gets to the point where you insult the viewers’ intelligence. Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson were probably the best two aspects of the movie (although Johnson’s intro has him sinking to a new low) with their screen presence and chemistry but not even they could save this movie from the idiotic decision making that characters make, lack of character development or the fact that Vin Diesel cut the end credits scene with Statham and Johnson because no one ran it by him for permission (douche movie, bro). If you (God knows why) have already enjoyed this franchise, then I am sure the stupidity doesn’t bother you and you will still enjoy it but this is not going to bring any new fans in and may start to turn some of the older fans off. This franchise is as dead as Paul Walker and unfortunately we still have two more to “look forward to.”

#TheFatefulEight / #CubaDriving / #DomAss / #LudacrisPlot / #TheChroniclesOfRiddickulous / #CollapseOfTheRomanEmpire

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