2/10 Every negative thing you have heard about this movie is true…and then some. Starting off a cinematic universe on this note is like giving up 10 runs in the first inning…or being born with AIDS; not off to a good start. Before the film was even made there were two key problems that carried over into making the final product borderline unwatchable. First, this script is just awful. I was shocked that this film actually had a couple decent screenwriters but even decent screenwriters have duds (see Alexander Payne’s Jurassic Park III script). Also, Tom Cruise (who is normally really solid with selecting his film roles) is just totally miscast here. He doesn’t fit well at all in addition to his character not being a likeable protagonist so you don’t even root for him; not a good combo for your leading actor. The leading actress is just there for the painfully excruciating exposition and reminded me of the lead actress/love interest in 1998’s Godzilla movie in which we never saw the female lead from that film act again. Speaking of characters, special shout out to not only the most annoying character of 2017, but also the most annoying character since I officially started reviewing films. Jake Johnson’s character (Tom Cruise’s friend in the film) made me cringe every single time he came on screen. Their interactions together with their back and forth banter was so uncomfortably bad and poorly written, it made me wonder how Universal greenlit this script in the first place. Right off the bat when they are getting shot at as they run from building to building, they are shouting unfunny one liners back and forth. You don’t have to have been in a combat situation to know that if you were really getting shot at and your life was actually in danger, you would be terrified and just trying to survive, not spouting off stupid one liners for comic relief. The rules/mythology of the mummy’s powers and the people she possesses is also never established so some people basically turn into zombies while others keep their personality and their sense of humor…huh? The mummy herself was also not a memorable villain because she was pretty devoid of personality. I couldn’t wait for this movie to end and even the action scenes were in no way intense or exciting. At least the Brendan Fraser Mummy films were really fun to watch, despite any flaws they had. There was no fun to be had in this movie. Also, I didn’t buy the love story aspect of this film for a second. The two leads had negative chemistry, Cruise acts like a dick to her and they have known each other for a week, yet are apparently so deeply in love by the end of the film. Still a better love story than Twi…you know what, Twilight had a better love story for once. Ya, I said it. Avoid this franchise killer like it was sand in your vagina.
#JenAndTheHieroglyphs / #ShowMeTheMummy / #SandJob / #IFeelGypt / #MrHydeAndGoSheikh / #LetsBeFlops