2.5/10 Have you ever gotten sunscreen in your eyes? Can’t seem to get rid of sand being trapped in every orifice of your body once you leave the beach? Got stung by a jellyfish and now someone has to piss on your leg where you were stung? Well those are all about as enjoyable of experiences as watching Baywatch. I always say that how funny a comedy is is the most important aspect but the story, characters, production value, etc. can definitely hurt or elevate a comedic film. The biggest problem with Baywatch is that it straight up is not funny. I maybe chuckled a couple times and never once let out a great, big laugh. So many failed jokes or situations that are supposed to be funny but are not (like a guy getting his dick stuck in a chair). The plot is absolute garbage for several reasons. First off, we have these lifeguards trying to solve crimes on the beach. The criminals committing said crimes do them in broad daylight where they can easily be spotted. This makes the criminals dumb. The cops in the city are so inept at their jobs that life guards are literally solving the crimes before them. This makes the cops dumb. So literally both sides of the (in)justice spectrum are complete morons to the point of being totally unbelievable. In this movie hospitals don’t have security guards or working surveillance cameras, murders are super easy to pull off and get away with as long as you do them in the ocean and fat people can pass grueling physical challenges that fit people would realistically struggle with. The forced romance at the end was so ridiculous, it was insulting to the viewers. The David Hasselhoff cameo was so shoehorned in, it hurt to watch. Product placement runs rampant and what might be the most pathetic aspect is that this film literally Amy Schumers (i.e.-steals) a joke from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (involving J. Edgar Hoover). When I heard the joke I couldn’t believe that they were repeating a kids’ movie joke in a hard R rated film. The only positives I can say are that Efron and The Rock bring their talent, charisma and screen presence to the film. The cast (minus the fat white dude doing his best Josh Gadd impression) all look amazing, which doesn’t make the film better but makes it easier to swallow. Pamela Anderson’s cameo was much stronger than Hasselhoff’s cameo. The production values are passable enough (although the special effects were straight out of 1994) and I was entertained the whole time. I hope this doesn’t get a sequel and that the cast won’t waste more of their time and talent on garbage like this.
#SandJob / #BeachAround / #RockAroundTheDock / #SandAndreas / #DaddarioIssues / #LiveFreeOrLifeGuard