2/10 Two years ago Fifty Shades of Grey had the “honor” of coming in at #7 on my Top 10 Worst Films of 2015. Although Fifty Shades Darker is a better film, that’s like saying that chlamydia is better than herpes. It is for sure but you still want to avoid them both at all costs. The root problem of the film is the same root problem the first film had: the script. The characters are weak, the dialogue is laughable and we as the audience just don’t care what happens. There is a helicopter crash in the film that Christian is on and for a while we don’t know if we lived or died (although there is a third movie coming so if you have a brain you already know the answer and that kills any suspense anyways) but I found myself not caring if he made it or not. For a protagonist, that is not a good thing for your movie to have happen. The first half an hour Christian is a total creepy stalker to Anastasia that any sane woman would have called the cops on. Another huge problem is that this film tries to take itself seriously. If you just wanted to sell it as this sexy, kinky, BDSM movie to turn on people who don’t watch porn yet still watch this, then that would be fine. However, this movie wants to be taken seriously and tries to be a thriller and a drama and that is where it fails most and is at its most laughable. The sex scenes are slightly better in this film but they still suck because of the soundtrack. Instead of having a score playing over the sex scenes they force a bunch of garbage, current pop songs that are totally wrong for the particular sex scene, but they know having Taylor Swift, John Legend and Sia on the soundtrack will sell way more copies than an actual solid score would. It is a cash grab that hurts the film dramatically. Speaking of cash grabs, I haven’t seen this much blatant product placement for Apple in quite a while. The only positives I can think of is that after that half an hour mark, the two leads’ chemistry is better than it was in the first film (probably due to not spending so much time signing contracts) and they did flesh out some of the supporting characters a little better than they did in the first film. Regardless, if you are only watching this for the sex scenes you can find much sexier things on the internet for free and if you are watching this to enjoy it as a film…then I feel sorry for you. Anal beads seem like a better option than re-watching this travesty.
#KinkyAndThePain / #EyesWideSlut / #ShadeDeficit / #SiaLater / #RealSteele / #CanBuyMeLove